Monday, April 27, 2009

i can't sleep

so, here's the deal..

it's almost becoming overwhelming.
everything is overwhelming.

and i just want to know if there is any reason for hope.
i dont think there is.
at least that's my "realistic" side coming out.
i dont want to hurt myself by thinking anything.

the tv just told me "there's always reason for hope."
but is there really?

can i even think that my thoughts and feelings can even have any foundation?

do i know him anymore? is he really the same person that i loved once?

i can't help but think that him and i were perfect for each other.
the way we worked together.
the way we matched each other.
i just can't help but see that we were something special.
he was my best friend.

sunday during the service i listened to the ladies talk about finding their loves and losing them. or the thought of losing them and i cried. that's what i want more than anything. and i kept thinking about phil the entire time. i want him to be my best friend. i want him to be that more than anything.

its these thoughts that run through my head.
sighhhhh.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

been a while..

..and what do i have to say for myself.

nothing.

as i talked to him today i felt normal. i can't say that i felt drawn towards him. but, i just can't stop thinking about him.

i just can't stop ever. and it's almost becoming annoying because i dont think he will ever feel the same again. as much as i would like him to, i just dont see it happening.

and i HATE that he mentioned her name to me. it just irks me. that girl took my love away from me. and i can never forgive her for it. and right now i can't forgive him for still keeping in contact with her.

see, this is exactly the kind of unhealthy mess i'm in.

oh sadface.

i just want to get a second chance with him. that's all. is that too much to ask??

..maybe it is..

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

so i think i'm an idiot

i just need to stop.

that just HAS to be the solution, right?

wean myself off of him for good?

there is absolutely no way that with me graduating and him going off to madrid that him and i will work out. and this thought makes me want to cry. it makes me want to cry alot.

our lives are going in two opposite directions.

that means this is it. it really is it.

i have tried to be his friend these past few days. this past week. and he clearly wont have any of it. i'm just retarded for thinking he'd be anything different. to think that his heart would be any open to letting me just be a friend. oh, what a mess i put myself in.

AND not to mention, i just dont have anyone to really talk to about it.

my heart is breaking. my heart is broken.

i can't believe i did this to myself again. i'm such an idiot.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

i want to be a verheyden

you know.. i've done mighty well not writing in one of these things for a while. i think i should be proud of myself for weaning myself off of them. BUT.. of course, i've just been thinking and praying lately and i thought to just write this down to get it out.

so, i dont think it's fair to be in love with the verheyden family so much and really want to be one of them and not be able to. i've always wanted more siblings. i love the ones i have. but, to have a little sister. to have more family. that's my dream. and i love the verheydens. i want them to be my family. i want to be a part of their family. since i first met them i knew that i would love them and that i would fit in...

but, it seems that more and more i dont think that will be a possibility.

he is honestly the epitome of all the songs i hear, the movies i see.. and it would be literally my dream come true to be with him again. to be with him for the rest of my life. it's clear that if that would happen it would all be God's hand.

i have made some of the stupidest mistakes when it comes to phil. i was the dumbest person in the world. and i'm pretty sure there would have been like a trillion more ways for me to go about it. but, i didnt. i chose the path i did. and i regret that. alot sometimes. but, i feel that if things were going to work out the way that him and i would be back together, it wouldn't be an issue. or at least i'm praying that it wouldnt.

but, then again.. i'm back to the idea that the more i really and deeply think about it, pessimism takes over. i dont really see him coming after me. it's not him. it's not the new him. and i simply dont see him asking me out. i'm the one who talks to him. it's all me. he doesnt everrr reach out to me.

am i dumb for even imagining the slightest bit of hope when it comes to this?

i probably am. ....right?

i just can't get past the fact that i think about him all the time. i dream about him. even my dreams when i'm with other guys is about him. it's all about him. and yet, i can't get anywhere with him.

he will write on alyssa's wall. yet he wont write on mine. he wont even THINK of writing to me without me making the first move.

it's my fault. i pushed him away. i'm the biggest mistake maker ever when it comes to this. sigh.

i can't help but stare at the picture i've had up on my computer for the past few days. i want to have that again! i really do. i almost think about crying when i think about it..

okay, well this is enough of dreaming for now. thanks blogger for listening..

Monday, March 9, 2009

monday

it was a great day.

although i realize i miss him alot. and i thought about him alot.

and i just dont understand a lot of things.

but, now i'm going to go to sleep.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

what to do

so, i'm just going to flesh out my feelings right now.. whether or not they are really complete thoughts i dont know.. but, it's just really getting to me..

i hate not knowing. at least before i knew. i knew he thought about me in the slightest bit. but, now? what am i doing to myself? i'm stalking like crazy. i'm getting jealous over the stupidest things.. like new friends on fb. i'm just acting ridiculous. this is not the way that i need to be. not in the slightest. i have to get a hold on myself. i have to calm down.

i just dont know what to do. i've never had ex's before. phillip IS my ex. it's easy for people to say that they havent gotten over people. but, i just HAVENT gotten over him. it's just that. i still think that him and i could be great together. okay, maybe brad is right in the fact that he's just not that mature right now? and maybe, just maybe him and i might not work out at this point in time. but, i just can't help but think about it. ALL THE TIME. all the time i think about it. and it just gets ridiculous.

i need to be in love with the Lord. i need to put my focus on Him. and i need to just trust that He would lead phillip back to me if that is indeed what was to happen.

i just hate the thought of seeing him with someone else. i hate thinking that he actually isnt for me. i hate thinking that someone else is actually for him.

but, i guess that i have to start dealing with that idea, right?

i just can't keep stalking and getting jealous. and getting jealous over dating sites! what is my deal? why am i doing this to myself? ..i mean, these are real questions that i just dont understand.

ohmygosh, i just did it again. i just refreshed the page. ..why am i a creeper?!

and the fact that he KNOWS i'm a creeper. :( this does not make me happy. i am not a happy camper that this is how my mind works. it's not good that i'm just this obsessed with him. blehhh. i just need to take a pause. take a break from him.

i just wish that if i did indeed take the break that something good would come out of it. i just think that that should be my reward, no? that's just the only reason that i feel like i should. i just want to see positive! i just keep living in this life of negative. it just doesnt seem that anything is going my way. especially when it comes to guys. i just want good! i want love. ...i want to know that romance is alive. i want to believe in dreams. ..i just want phil back, you know?

is that sad of me?

maybe.

ohhhh the life i lead.

Saturday, March 7, 2009