i can't sleep

so, here's the deal..

it's almost becoming overwhelming.
everything is overwhelming.

and i just want to know if there is any reason for hope.
i dont think there is.
at least that's my "realistic" side coming out.
i dont want to hurt myself by thinking anything.

the tv just told me "there's always reason for hope."
but is there really?

can i even think that my thoughts and feelings can even have any foundation?

do i know him anymore? is he really the same person that i loved once?

i can't help but think that him and i were perfect for each other.
the way we worked together.
the way we matched each other.
i just can't help but see that we were something special.
he was my best friend.

sunday during the service i listened to the ladies talk about finding their loves and losing them. or the thought of losing them and i cried. that's what i want more than anything. and i kept thinking about phil the entire time. i want him to be my best friend. i want him to be that more than anything.

its these thoughts that run through my head.
sighhhhh.

been a while..

..and what do i have to say for myself.

nothing.

as i talked to him today i felt normal. i can't say that i felt drawn towards him. but, i just can't stop thinking about him.

i just can't stop ever. and it's almost becoming annoying because i dont think he will ever feel the same again. as much as i would like him to, i just dont see it happening.

and i HATE that he mentioned her name to me. it just irks me. that girl took my love away from me. and i can never forgive her for it. and right now i can't forgive him for still keeping in contact with her.

see, this is exactly the kind of unhealthy mess i'm in.

oh sadface.

i just want to get a second chance with him. that's all. is that too much to ask??

..maybe it is..

so i think i'm an idiot

i just need to stop.

that just HAS to be the solution, right?

wean myself off of him for good?

there is absolutely no way that with me graduating and him going off to madrid that him and i will work out. and this thought makes me want to cry. it makes me want to cry alot.

our lives are going in two opposite directions.

that means this is it. it really is it.

i have tried to be his friend these past few days. this past week. and he clearly wont have any of it. i'm just retarded for thinking he'd be anything different. to think that his heart would be any open to letting me just be a friend. oh, what a mess i put myself in.

AND not to mention, i just dont have anyone to really talk to about it.

my heart is breaking. my heart is broken.

i can't believe i did this to myself again. i'm such an idiot.