i can't sleep

so, here's the deal..

it's almost becoming overwhelming.
everything is overwhelming.

and i just want to know if there is any reason for hope.
i dont think there is.
at least that's my "realistic" side coming out.
i dont want to hurt myself by thinking anything.

the tv just told me "there's always reason for hope."
but is there really?

can i even think that my thoughts and feelings can even have any foundation?

do i know him anymore? is he really the same person that i loved once?

i can't help but think that him and i were perfect for each other.
the way we worked together.
the way we matched each other.
i just can't help but see that we were something special.
he was my best friend.

sunday during the service i listened to the ladies talk about finding their loves and losing them. or the thought of losing them and i cried. that's what i want more than anything. and i kept thinking about phil the entire time. i want him to be my best friend. i want him to be that more than anything.

its these thoughts that run through my head.
sighhhhh.