what to do

so, i'm just going to flesh out my feelings right now.. whether or not they are really complete thoughts i dont know.. but, it's just really getting to me..

i hate not knowing. at least before i knew. i knew he thought about me in the slightest bit. but, now? what am i doing to myself? i'm stalking like crazy. i'm getting jealous over the stupidest things.. like new friends on fb. i'm just acting ridiculous. this is not the way that i need to be. not in the slightest. i have to get a hold on myself. i have to calm down.

i just dont know what to do. i've never had ex's before. phillip IS my ex. it's easy for people to say that they havent gotten over people. but, i just HAVENT gotten over him. it's just that. i still think that him and i could be great together. okay, maybe brad is right in the fact that he's just not that mature right now? and maybe, just maybe him and i might not work out at this point in time. but, i just can't help but think about it. ALL THE TIME. all the time i think about it. and it just gets ridiculous.

i need to be in love with the Lord. i need to put my focus on Him. and i need to just trust that He would lead phillip back to me if that is indeed what was to happen.

i just hate the thought of seeing him with someone else. i hate thinking that he actually isnt for me. i hate thinking that someone else is actually for him.

but, i guess that i have to start dealing with that idea, right?

i just can't keep stalking and getting jealous. and getting jealous over dating sites! what is my deal? why am i doing this to myself? ..i mean, these are real questions that i just dont understand.

ohmygosh, i just did it again. i just refreshed the page. ..why am i a creeper?!

and the fact that he KNOWS i'm a creeper. :( this does not make me happy. i am not a happy camper that this is how my mind works. it's not good that i'm just this obsessed with him. blehhh. i just need to take a pause. take a break from him.

i just wish that if i did indeed take the break that something good would come out of it. i just think that that should be my reward, no? that's just the only reason that i feel like i should. i just want to see positive! i just keep living in this life of negative. it just doesnt seem that anything is going my way. especially when it comes to guys. i just want good! i want love. ...i want to know that romance is alive. i want to believe in dreams. ..i just want phil back, you know?

is that sad of me?

maybe.

ohhhh the life i lead.