i want to be a verheyden

you know.. i've done mighty well not writing in one of these things for a while. i think i should be proud of myself for weaning myself off of them. BUT.. of course, i've just been thinking and praying lately and i thought to just write this down to get it out.

so, i dont think it's fair to be in love with the verheyden family so much and really want to be one of them and not be able to. i've always wanted more siblings. i love the ones i have. but, to have a little sister. to have more family. that's my dream. and i love the verheydens. i want them to be my family. i want to be a part of their family. since i first met them i knew that i would love them and that i would fit in...

but, it seems that more and more i dont think that will be a possibility.

he is honestly the epitome of all the songs i hear, the movies i see.. and it would be literally my dream come true to be with him again. to be with him for the rest of my life. it's clear that if that would happen it would all be God's hand.

i have made some of the stupidest mistakes when it comes to phil. i was the dumbest person in the world. and i'm pretty sure there would have been like a trillion more ways for me to go about it. but, i didnt. i chose the path i did. and i regret that. alot sometimes. but, i feel that if things were going to work out the way that him and i would be back together, it wouldn't be an issue. or at least i'm praying that it wouldnt.

but, then again.. i'm back to the idea that the more i really and deeply think about it, pessimism takes over. i dont really see him coming after me. it's not him. it's not the new him. and i simply dont see him asking me out. i'm the one who talks to him. it's all me. he doesnt everrr reach out to me.

am i dumb for even imagining the slightest bit of hope when it comes to this?

i probably am. ....right?

i just can't get past the fact that i think about him all the time. i dream about him. even my dreams when i'm with other guys is about him. it's all about him. and yet, i can't get anywhere with him.

he will write on alyssa's wall. yet he wont write on mine. he wont even THINK of writing to me without me making the first move.

it's my fault. i pushed him away. i'm the biggest mistake maker ever when it comes to this. sigh.

i can't help but stare at the picture i've had up on my computer for the past few days. i want to have that again! i really do. i almost think about crying when i think about it..

okay, well this is enough of dreaming for now. thanks blogger for listening..